Validation

I recently watched someone express some upsetting feelings to a group and was amazed at the response that was given which didn't provide any validation at all for this person.

It was obviously an uncomfortable moment for everyone there with the person who ought to have responded remaining silent which triggered a response by another who tried to calm the rippling waters.



From my observation the person who needed to be heard most was left feeling bewildered and unsupported and it seemed that the other people present were more than happy that someone else had taken on the unenviable task of trying to smooth the waters.


It takes a lot of courage to speak up and express feelings of dissatisfaction and to be left without any form of validation only increases the level of disappointment and often leaves the person feeling vulnerable and anxious and worse still, feeling like they're on the outside.

The initial complaint that had been made was obviously too hard to deal with, too confronting perhaps...... the person trying to calm the waters went off on a tangent, completely avoiding what had been said, not intentionally but desperate to keep the peace and doing her best to find something useful to say in response.

During the long discussion that followed on the fairly unrelated subject another person present must have been seething as once some semblance of normality had been regained, this person chose to take the soapbox and make a stand, mostly it resulted in personalities being drawn into the debate, again ignoring the issue that had been raised.

Validation is so important, people need to feel heard, there may not be an obvious answer or solution in the immediate moment, you may not agree, you may need time to think things over, weigh up the situation...but at the very least acknowledging the person gives everyone face, allows the aggrieved person to walk away with some dignity and avoids any impulsive and emotional responses that can be so hard to relinquish at a later date.



A friend taught me a valuable lesson a long time ago and it was a simple lesson but one I've always embraced.

Her advice was this.....'whenever you find yourself having a reaction to something someone has said or done, take a deep breath, stand back and ask yourself what am 'I' reacting to'

Take the focus off the other person and look within yourself...when you do this with honesty you will always find that there is some situation from our past that the current situation has triggered for you...it takes practice to stop reacting if have that type of personality but it's a matter of taking responsibility for your own reactions.

Reactions often have negative repercussions and well thought out actions will mostly generate a solution!